It’s no surprise that when receiving a gluttony of gifts, you’re bound to get a few that make you say, “Huh?” You know what I mean – gifts that make you wonder what that person was thinking when they tossed it into the gift bag.

I have to admit that most of our relatives are competent gift givers. They actually take the time to think about what a person might like as a present. But every family has to have that one crazy family member, right?

Once again, my Great Aunt Dorothy has taken the prize for worst gifts. An item is only a good gift to her if it is on sale, preferably 75% or more off, and she has a coupon as well. If a store is closing, you can bet we’ll be seeing products from that store at the next holiday gathering.

Aunt Dot never gives individually wrapped gifts. Instead, we all receive large gift bags (now that Lazarus has been bought out by Macy’s, we no longer have gift bags made of Lazarus shopping bags), and in those bags is a random assortment of junk collected over the past year.

While little can top last year’s winner of the map of “Historic Millersburg, OH”, there were some puzzling gifts this year.

First up, in the category of, “Do you even comprehend what I’m saying?” is this little gem:

A nutcracker. I’ve told her over and over and over again that I do not like nutcrackers. First, I see no purpose in having a nutcracker that doesn’t actually crack nuts. Second, I think they’re a little creepy looking. And yet, having repeated my dislike of nutcrackers, I still get them every year. Besides this one (with Aunt Dot’s trademark price tag left on the item – good to know she spent less than $2.49), she also gave us a nutcracker ornament for the tree, too.

Next, is this cute little bear for Cordy, in the category of “Are you sure this thing isn’t infected?”:

Noooo, don’t touch it! It’s concentrated eeeevil!

Oh sure, you may be wondering, “What’s wrong with a stuffed bear?” and from the picture you can’t tell the problem. Hell, it’s even still white. But one day, when our technology allows us to share scents across the internet, you will understand. Except that by that time, the bear will probably be nothing more than ashes, because it is going out in the next trash pick-up.

The smell on this bear is a mix of cigarettes, rotten food, and bad breath. How it has remained white is beyond me, because it smells like it’s been dragged through a sewage plant, or at least through a house full of children with stomach flu. Where did she find this treasure? The thrift store, of course. While I’m known to frequent thrift stores for good deals, there’s no way I’d buy a stinky stuffed animal there. If it can’t be washed, I don’t want it given to my daughter.

Other interesting trinkets in the gift bag included a random selection of mis-matched, paper-thin washcloths, some outdated soup, and off-brand cashews that are chewy (just like last year…and every year). But the weirdest, most off-the-wall, Christmas gift of 2006 has to be this:

Store-brand, instant non-fat dry milk (nearly outdated). Need I say more, other than “WTF?”

It is the thought that counts when it comes to giving gifts. I just wish I could understand the thought process behind the gifts Aunt Dot gives.

Edit: After Kristen’s urging, I’m now entering this into the Worst Present Ever contest over at A Mama’s Rant. If you got a bad gift, be sure to go enter the contest as well!

OK, this is my final holiday post.

As always, there is the gift hall of shame. Before you get ready to send me a comment about it being the thought that counts, I want to say: I agree. It is the thought that counts. But the hall of shame is reserved for those gifts where it is clear there was no thought involved. Gifts that make you wonder, “Do you even know who the hell I am?” Gifts that make you feel embarrassed for the giver. Gifts that make it clear that, sometimes, no gift really is better.

This year’s gift-giving winner, and current reigning champion, is my Great Aunt Dorothy.

Aunt Dot has a knack for seeking out and collecting junk. If it’s on clearance and marked down 99.9%, well then, it must be PERFECT for a gift. Past award winners have included: slippers that were 5 sizes too small, Reese’s cups that were so old they were white, a set of mismatched silverware for only 3 place settings, a bag of generic toilet paper (yes, seriously), and a Santa Claus for my Jewish husband. She also set a new record for bad birthday gifts earlier this year when she gave Cordelia a beat-up, half-broken, downright filthy ride-on toy that she proudly told us she had pulled out of the dumpster.

This year’s bad gifts:

The “Overall Worst” and “Most Random Gift” winner:

It’s a map of Millersburg, OH for Aaron. I have no idea where Millersburg is located. According to the map, it’s somewhere in Amish country. We’ve never been there before or heard of it. I don’t even think Aunt Dot has been there either. There was no explanation for it being in his gift bag, but it was clear that it was supposed to be there. We’re still pondering just what she’s trying to tell Aaron by giving him a map of a city we’ve never seen.

The “Clearly You Must Hate Us” award is a tie this year, but both of them are from Aunt Dot for Cordelia. First up:

It’s a Nutcracker. And it sings. And dances. It is clearly a masculine figure (note the moustache), yet it sings with a feminine, childish voice. Thank God she didn’t get us more than one, since the box claims that if you put two or more together, they use infrared sensors to sing in harmony and dance in unison. I wish I knew how to post video on the web, because you really can’t get the full experience without hearing it sing. Loudly, I might add.

And the other winner:

It’s a singing, dancing Santa hat. Again, a video would do more justice to this one. The music is tinny, shrill, and loud. Amazingly, even through the loud music, you can hear the mechanics straining to make this little hat dance back and forth with enough force to make the little bell on top jingle. Even the cats are terrified of this thing.

And while we’re on the subject of Aunt Dot, she also gets the “Grinch” award this year for upsetting Cordelia and constantly teasing her the entire day. Her favorite game was to take Cordy’s bunny (a bunny head lovey that is her security object, and something that Cordy adores as much or more than mommy and daddy) and dangle it just out of reach. Cordy would reach for it, making her “unh! unh!” begging sounds, but Aunt Dot would then move it further away, saying, “Come on, get the bunny! Show me you can walk!”

Cordy had a sad, urgent look on her face, upset that she couldn’t get to this precious object. She looked around, as if she was trying to find someone to help her, and it broke my heart. Yes, I should have stepped in sooner, but even I didn’t think Aunt Dot would continue this cruel game for so long. Finally, after asking her several times to give Cordy her bunny, I ordered Aunt Dot to give it back.

Even my grandmother, who normally tries to make excuses for Aunt Dot’s rude behavior, scolded her and told her not to tease Cordy. Aunt Dot later kept trying to poke Cordy, but I’d pick my daughter up and move her away each time. When it was time for everyone to leave (and while my aunts were arguing over which of them had to take Aunt Dot home), I practically shoved Aunt Dot out the door with her bags full of leftovers (because she always demands as much of the leftovers as she can get). Sigh. There’s one in every family, right?

So, once again Aunt Dot sweeps the Hall of Shame awards this Christmas. I’m scared to think of what she’s gathering for Easter: if I have to smile and eat another handful of stale, rubbery, chewy cashews and thank her for remembering that I like cashews, I might just explode.