mental battle Archives - A Mommy Story

April 27, 2012 By Christina

OK, first off: thank you. I wasn’t looking for compliments when I wrote my last post, but I truly appreciated all of the kind comments on here and on Facebook and Twitter.

I still re-read that post and mostly agree with it. The self-perception goggles we wear when we look in the mirror can be our worst enemies sometimes. I wish I could still be five years old, wearing a mis-matched outfit, messy hair, scrape on my arm and dirt on my face and think I am fabulous! Instead, I have to setting for constantly reminding myself that no, my own perception is skewed and no matter how bad I think I look, it probably isn’t that bad.

Ah well, work in progress, I guess. And I’ll keep working on it.

Anyway, I’m coming up on the end of my four months serving as a Women of Wow Ambassador for Slim-Fast. I can’t believe it’s gone by so quickly! When I first started, I wondered if I could keep up with using the Slim-Fast products without getting bored. But now that I’m over three months in, I now wonder why I ever worried? This is about as easy as it can get!

I still start nearly every morning with a Slim-Fast shake, either French Vanilla or my favorite, Rich Chocolate Royale. Mornings are chaotic around here, and I simply don’t have time to make myself breakfast while I’m getting the kids ready for school, packing their lunches, and starting my work day.

The shake is a perfect solution: it’s quick, tasty and filling. I can drink it while checking my email, or if I’m having a particularly rough morning, I can drink it in the car while taking Mira to preschool. The protein and fiber keep me feeling full for most of the morning – some days I don’t even notice I’m hungry until lunchtime, skipping a morning snack entirely. As someone who used to skip breakfast routinely (or eat something very unhealthy), a quick shake is the perfect solution and keeps me from reaching a ravenous state of hangry (you know, angry from being so hungry) by late morning.

I alternate Slim-Fast snack bars with other 100-calorie snacks now. It’s been great to discover that I can still snack without blowing my plan for the day. I always keep a Slim-Fast snack bar in my purse for when hunger hits when I’m not at home. At home, though, I’ll also include a small Greek yogurt, or baby carrots and a cheese stick, or a 100-calorie pack of almonds in my snack rotation.

The results of the past three months have been great, though: I’m down six pounds, which doesn’t sound like a lot, but I’ve also lost an inch from my waist and an inch and a half from my hips. I feel healthier, I look better, and I’ve done it all without starving myself or putting myself through any kind of torture. That’s the right way to lose weight!

I’m four lousy pounds away from reaching my goal. FOUR POUNDS. It’s gonna happen this year for sure, and I’m certain it’s going to happen before my birthday in June, just like I said it would.

My plan for the next month is to get back to my couch to 5K plan (which derailed during spring break) and fit in more boot camp classes to build more muscle. There’s a 5K at the end of May that I’m planning to enter, and I’d prefer to run more than walk it.

I’m planning for a GREAT summer!

Full disclosure: This post was created in connection with my appointment as an Ambassador in the Slim-Fast Women of WOW! Program. Visit www.facebook.com/slimfast to join the conversation.

Perception vs Reality

April 17, 2012 By Christina

(Note: this post includes photos of me in a sports bra. Just giving fair warning.)

Last week, while at dinner with extended family, one family member who hadn’t seen me in awhile remarked on how good I looked. Well, specifically she said, “Are you still trying to lose weight? You need to stop that, you don’t need to lose any more weight.” (Jewish grandmothers for the win.)

At first I convinced myself that she was just trying to be nice, but I also know her well enough to understand that she rarely hides what she’s really thinking. Beyond the Jewish grandmother desire to make sure kids and grandkids (and in my case, the wife of a step-grandson) are eating well, she really thought I looked good and didn’t need to lose any more weight.

Of course, I immediately wrote off her comments in my head and told myself, it’s just the outfit making me look slimmer, ’cause there’s NO WAY I look like someone who doesn’t need to lose weight. I’m still overweight, I’m still huge!

And then the logical part of my brain gave me a swift kick and said I needed a perception check.

It’s no wonder that some people who lose a large amount of weight have trouble with body image. I was obese for so long that when I look in the mirror I still see myself at my largest. I occasionally notice some positive changes, but much of the time I still see myself as large.

Before I started actively trying to lose weight, I looked like this:

Not sure of the weight, but it wasn’t my highest. Few photos exist of my highest weight.

This was me when I started blogging about my weight loss efforts:

I was 212 lbs here.

And this was me this weekend:

This is 163 lbs.

Yes, obviously there are some differences, but when I look at the two photos I don’t see much of a difference. I stare at the new photo and have trouble looking beyond the continuation of flaws. Some parts may be smaller, but they’re still large.

Losing weight is hard enough, but the mental game that goes with it makes it even more difficult. I don’t want to think of myself as fat. I’d rather be proud of all I’ve accomplished. But instead the little voice in my head looks at photos and whispers So much for all that work – you don’t look any different. Your belly still hangs over your waistband, your thighs still rub together, your hips are huge. Why keep going through all that pain?

I hate that little voice. I hate how it tears me down and makes me doubt everything. It strips me of any self-esteem. I wear a medium shirt size now, and still find myself baffled every time I put one on. Why is this fitting me? Are they vanity sizing shirts now? I can’t even believe that this body could possibly wear a medium, when I’m sure I’m still an XL.

I’m five pounds from the goal I set for myself years ago, and now I’m already doubting that it will be enough. How much more will I need to lose to feel fit and healthy? Will I set a new goal and then continue to feel fat if I reach that new goal? I worry that I may never be happy with my weight, but have no idea how to find that happiness.

This post is full of questions with few answers. I know it’s my own mind blocking me from seeing the changes to myself, but I don’t know how to change that. There are diets and exercises to change the body, but now I need to find the right program to change the mind. Otherwise any transformation I make will never be complete, because while I may eventually be seen as fit by those looking from the outside, I will still be fat when looking from the inside.

I never intended this post to be such a downer. It’s a shame that so often we condition ourselves to see only the fat, the wrinkles, the imperfections in ourselves. Photoshop and the worship of the impossibly “perfect” (and too-thin) body probably doesn’t help with this. The media promotes the impossible body, and we are constantly bombarded with the message that the polished, re-touched images we see are what we should strive to be, while advertisers also encourage us to eat high-calorie junk food with abandon.

There are women out there doing fantastic work in the area of body acceptance, and I probably should be paying more attention to them. This isn’t how I feel all the time – just some of the time. I considered not posting this at all, but I also want to be completely honest. Not discussing the mental battle would give only a partial image of what it’s like to lose weight, and I know I’m not the only one who has looked in the mirror and felt like I’ve accomplished so little.

So yeah, here I am. I feel fat. And I know I shouldn’t.

My brain needs new glasses, because the current ones are out of focus.