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Jun 28, 2011

Looking In The Mirror

June 28, 2011 By

When I weighed 40+ pounds more than I do now, fashion usually meant disguising my body to hide all of the lumps and bumps. I didn’t like how I looked and so I never put a lot of thought into what I wore, other than does this hide as much as possible? Loose clothing, baggy t-shirts, stretch denim – the less skin visible, the better.

Now that I’m within 10 pounds of the “normal” BMI range (wow, does THAT feel weird to say!), I’m trying to re-evaluate what I wear. I know I need to dress better, in both home and work settings.

When I come to work during the day for meetings, I’m expected to wear business wear. I see my peers dressed in beautiful tops and either fitted pants or skirts, and I envy them for looking so good. I have yet to purchase a button-down top because I worry that when I sit down the buttons will bulge from my belly sticking out. And skirts are completely a no-go – I can’t imagine letting my coworkers see my bare tree-trunk legs.

Here’s the real problem: I still have a disconnect between my eyes and my brain. I look in the mirror and all I see is fat. A lifetime of criticism from those close to me has left me incapable of seeing myself as anything other than a fat girl. I keep telling myself that it’s not so bad and I used to be so much heavier, but my brain still interprets it as jiggly upper arms, big belly and thunder thighs.

I still feel my 5th grade teacher poking my belly and saying I’d better have a growth spurt soon with a belly that big. I still remember kids teasing me for my large thighs at the 8th grade pool party. I remember a family member telling me I should focus on losing weight rather than going to grad school, as losing weight was more likely to help me find a spouse someday.

I’m haunted by even darker moments from earlier in childhood, moments that remain buried deep in my memory, but I now realize were likely contributors to my desire to hide myself from the world with a layer of fat.

I’m working against a lifetime of psychological abuse. I’ve distanced myself from the worst offenders, but it was too late – my subconscious adopted the worst of their weapons and wages war on my psyche daily. I didn’t get fat because I lost track of how many doughnuts I was eating – I mean, I DO love food, but food addiction alone can’t explain why I’m unable to visualize myself at a healthy weight.

But progress comes in small doses, and I’ve already shown a lot of progress to lose nearly 50 pounds in a few years. The internal sabotage clearly isn’t as strong as it used to be, and while I may never be able to completely silence the negative self-talk, I can work on tuning it out.

Last weekend we attended ComFest, and while there I suddenly felt the urge to buy one of the dresses I saw so many others wearing. Aaron encouraged me, and so I did buy it and wear it around the festival all day. (Although with denim capris – I didn’t have any shorts with me, and it was too short to wear without something underneath.)
I still don’t like what I see, but I’m willing to concede that it’s getting better. After all, I spent an entire day wearing a dress with my full arms and shoulders bared, no support garments underneath, and didn’t feel all that awkward.
Filed Under: photographic evidence Tagged With: ,


Jun 23, 2011

Birthday Introspection

June 23, 2011 By

I’m now 35 years old.

Sure, that may not be a big deal to some of you, but it’s going to take some getting used to for me. I can now no longer claim to be in my “early 30’s.” Should I ever consider having another baby, I’d be given the label “advanced maternal age.” And I’m even in a new consumer demographic for all of those marketing surveys: just call me a member of the 35-44 radio button.

Age is just a number – that’s true. Well, sort of true. Each half decade I hit is just another reminder that I need to take better care of myself. We feel invincible in our teens and early twenties because we partially are. While no one is immune to cancer, heart disease or other health problems, they’re less likely when we’re young. As we get older, our chances of being affected by chronic health problems only increase.

So with each birthday, I’m reminded that I can’t be as carefree with my health as I used to be. I worry more about my future. I want to be a healthy old woman someday. I want to see my kids grow up and have children of their own. I don’t want to die.

The good news is I’m probably in the best shape of my life. I’m still hovering at my lowest adult weight, I have muscle tone that I’ve never had before, and I’m making efforts to eat healthier foods. Compared to bad habits from my past, I’m in fantastic shape and my risks for common health issues are shrinking with my waistline.

But I still have plenty of work to do. Losing weight is still a priority, both for vanity and for health reasons. I’ve got at least another 10 pounds to go to even make the upper limits of a “healthy” BMI. Eating more nutritious, less processed foods and trying to work more exercise into my life are neverending goals that I have to keep focused on as well. Taking more time to relax, rest, and reduce my stress level couldn’t hurt, either.

I hope that when I turn 36 I can look back over this past year and again proclaim to be in the best shape of my life. If I continue getting healthier with each year, then maybe birthdays will still be something to get excited about!

Filed Under: Uncategorized Tagged With: ,


Mar 28, 2011

A Great Getaway, Thanks To A Little Planning

March 28, 2011 By
This is a sponsored review from BlogHer and Slim·Fast.

March eighth was my wedding anniversary – my eighth, to be exact. Because our anniversary is in March, we often do very little for Valentine’s Day and instead go all out for our anniversary. This year we visited Great Wolf Lodge, an indoor waterpark resort, for a pseudo-tropical vacation close to home. We’ve gone there a few times, and while it’s fun with kids, it’s also just as fun for two adults looking to get away and relax together.

And this year, I decided I wasn’t wearing a bathing suit with a skirt. Ever since I became a mom, my hips and thighs have been given as much coverage as possible under loose fabric during any bathing suit occasion. Let’s be honest, though: skirted suits are a pain. I mean, it’s OK if you’re just planning to sit in a lounge chair and read a book, but they’re completely uncomfortable if you have any plans of stepping foot in the water. The wet fabric clings and bunches when you get out of the water, generally destroying any chance at looking good as you continuously peel the cold, damp fabric from your legs. The minute you take a step, the we fabric latches on to your thighs again, and the peel and stick cycle continues for every step.

To prepare for our anniversary, I stepped up my plan to shape up, lose weight, and improve my health. In January, I left behind the sweets and baked goods of the holiday season and once again embraced healthy eating: tracking my calories each day, eating regular meals and small snacks between meals, and focusing on the nutritional value of what I eat. I journal everything I eat each day using an iPhone app, finding it makes me more honest with myself and less likely to overeat.

I’ve also starting exercising more regularly, including signing up for a series of group “bootcamp” classes in February. Group exercise generally makes me sweat without even working out, as I often compare myself to others around me and worry that I’m the weakest link in the class. But I also know that in a group setting I’m more likely to give 100% because of that same worry, so I’m stepping out of my comfort zone to make sure I get the most from my exercise.

I wanted to feel good about my body when I put on a bathing suit in the store, and even better when I wore it on our anniversary. I’ve lost ten pounds since January, and I’m starting to see muscle tone developing beneath the fat. I like what I’m seeing. When I bought my bathing suit, I declared my anniversary-prep a success, and I couldn’t wait for my husband to see me in that suit.

To be clear: I did this both for me and as a gift for him, but my husband certainly isn’t expecting me to be a certain size. Many years ago, when we first met, he saw me at my highest weight ever. More than when I was 9 months pregnant, even. He loved me at my highest weight, and he loves me now, when I’m nearing my lowest weight. Do I want him to be proud of the woman in the bathing suit next to him? Absolutely. But feeling proud of myself is just as important to me.

The results? Well, check out the photo to the left. Never before now would I even think of posting a photo of myself in a bathing suit on the internet, but I’m proud of how far I’ve come. I’m at the same weight I was when we married. I’m three pounds away from the lowest weight in my adult life. Making the commitment to change the way you eat and exercise is hard, but the payoff of looking better, feeling better, and knowing that I’m improving my health is worth the hard work. I’m worth the hard work.

We had a fantastic time on our anniversary, and all of the preparation and work was worth it. Setting goals for myself helped me get even more excited about our trip, and meeting those goals made me feel fantastic. Having confidence in that bathing suit was my greatest reward as we walked around the waterpark for our anniversary, and that confidence hid any flaws far better than a little skirt would.

Best anniversary yet!

What event are you preparing for?

Now it’s your turn – tell me what big event in your life you’re preparing for, and what you’re doing to prepare for it. It can be anything: wedding, birthday party, moving to a new city, a vacation, etc. Are you shopping for new clothing? Scouting for the best coffee in a new city?

Leave me a comment below sharing how you’re preparing for the next big event in your life (and what that event is!), and you can be entered to win a Slim-Fast gift pack worth $100! Sweepstakes dates are 3/28-4/20.

Visit the BlogHer Promotions & Prizes section for more chances to win as well! And don’t forget to visit the official Slim-Fast site for more information on their products.
Rules:

No duplicate comments.

You may receive (2) total entries by selecting from two of the following entry methods:

a) Leave a comment in response to the sweepstakes prompt on this post

b) Tweet about this promotion and leave the URL to that tweet in a separate comment on this post

c) Blog about this promotion and leave the URL to that post in a separate comment on this post

d) For those with no Twitter or blog, read the official rules to learn about an alternate form of entry.

This giveaway is open to US Residents age 18 or older

Winners will be selected via random draw, and will be notified by e-mail.

You have 72 hours to get back to me, otherwise a new winner will be selected.

The Official Rules are available here.

Full disclosure: I did receive compensation in exchange for writing this post and hosting this giveaway for BlogHer and Slim-Fast. 

Filed Under: success Tagged With: ,


Mar 28, 2011

As Good As It Can Get?

March 28, 2011 By

Saturday at my boot camp class I stepped on the scale expecting to see no change again. After all, this past week hadn’t been the best: I’d had deep dish pizza one night, ate several small bites of sweets, and other than my Tuesday and Saturday boot camp classes, my butt had been firmly parked in a chair. Even on weeks when I’ve put in extra effort for the gold star, the scale has rarely given me more than a quarter or half pound loss.

So I was a little surprised when the scale showed I had lost three pounds in a week.

My current weight is 171 pounds. That means in the last seven weeks I’ve lost ten pounds. I’m so very, very close to the magical 160’s. Why magical? Because I’ve only seen the 160’s once in my adult life, and it was for a very brief moment in 2002, when the scale went no lower than 168 in my quest to look good for my early 2003 wedding. Back then, I considered that just about as good as it could get.

But that’s not as good as it can get. I’m going to reach 168 soon, and then I’m going to pass it. The BMI charts recommend a weight of no more than 158 pounds for someone my height, and I’m not stopping until I’m no longer considered “overweight” by the medical community. I’ve gone from obese to overweight, so I know I can do this as well.

Let’s review for some motivation, shall we?

Highest weight post-kids, BlogHer06:

(On the left, obviously. Note: NOT my highest weight ever!)

How I looked when I first made the decision to turn this ship around, March 2009:

And now me in a bathing suit, March 2011:

(And I’m surprised I’m not bursting into flames from embarrassment right now!)
I’d call that progress. I still won’t be winning any awards in a bathing suit at the moment, but I’ve graduated away from the bathing suit dress at least. I can look at that photo and see a lot of hard work accomplished, while also still seeing a lot of potential for the future.
I’m starting to feel semi-comfortable in my own body, and it’s a nice feeling. Too bad it took me 34 years to get there.  
Filed Under: success, weigh-in Tagged With:


Sep 20, 2010

March of Dimes Night Moves 5K Results

September 20, 2010 By

After the BlogHer 5K, I knew I needed to sign up for another 5K to keep me motivated or I’d simply stop exercising like I did a year ago.

I signed up for the March of Dimes Night Moves 5K for a few reasons. First, it benefits March of Dimes, a charity I have always supported. Second, it was at night, and since I work third shift I tend to do better running on a nocturnal schedule.

A few weeks ago I suffered a back injury that made it difficult to run for a little while. My training slowed as a result and I continued to be stuck at 25 minutes of running max. Last week I did manage one 28 minute run, but only to avoid social interactions. So I knew going into this race that it was nearly certain I’d be walking for part of it. My motto was “Just don’t finish last.”

Friday night the area around Front Street was packed with people, and I immediately felt excited when I walked into the plaza and saw the crowd. After I picked up my shirt and goody bag, I changed into my shirt and began stretching for the race.

Pre-race posing

Shortly after that, Brooke found me. She left a comment here last week saying she would be running this 5K as well, and I told her I hoped she would come find me. Thankfully she did and I quickly made a new blog pal! We talked about how neither of us had run a full 5K, and decided we’d run together. I warned her I was slow and gave her full permission to leave me in the dust if I started walking. (To be fair, she gave me the same permission, but I thought it doubtful that she would be slower than me.)

We cheered on the 5-mile racers as they started before the 5K runners, and then took our place in the pack. The run started on a hill – going up, of course – but the crowd was buzzing with excitement and as we started running I watched as other people darted around us. I was determined to keep it slow and steady, though, and not overdo it at the beginning. Brooke was kind enough to slow down and stay with me.

Everything felt great for the first mile or so. I fell into a good breathing pattern, and even managed to pass a few people who were already walking.

The second mile was harder, though. I started to reach the threshold of my running limits, and felt that sharp ache in my side. I tried altering my breathing to force it to go away, and it would help for awhile, but then it came back again. I could now start to hear my breathing over my music. My right shoulder started to hurt, too. The urge to walk was becoming stronger, but Brooke was still running, so I was determined to stay with her.

The last mile – especially the last half mile – was pain, pure and simple. My side hurt, my shoulder hurt, my lungs burned, and I felt like I was going to throw up. When we made the final turn towards the finish line, I wondered if I could make it or not. On one hand, I could see the finish line way up ahead, so it seemed silly to stop running now when I was so close. On the other hand, panic was beginning to set in and I wondered if I’d black out before I made it to the finish line. I could easily hear my breathing over the music now, which meant people a quarter mile away could likely hear it as well. I sounded like I was drowning in my own mucous.

With the finish line only a few blocks away, I made my mind up to finish this damn race running. Of course, that then meant I had to convince my body to go along with what my mind decided. I’m sure I was grunting at this point as I had to mentally force my feet to keep moving, force my arms to keep swinging, and force my body to move forward. I know I was swearing at myself to keep going.

And then at 41 minutes and 4 seconds, I crossed the finish line. Running. I didn’t plan this accomplishment – I thought myself several weeks away from graduating from the couch to 5K program. Yet there it was: I ran an entire 5K.

How did I feel after the run? Mostly happy that it was over, honestly. I had to sit down and suck in some air for a little while to feel OK again, and my legs still felt wobbly for the rest of the night.

Me & Brooke, post-race. I’m impressed I’m standing.

I woke up the next day feeling like I’d been hit by a car. Everything hurt – especially my back and sides. I guess my next goal will be to work on relaxing while running so I’m not so tense.

Big thanks to Brooke for running with me – I strongly doubt I would’ve kept running without seeing her still running beside me.

Up next? Well, I want to keep working on my distance, as I doubt I’ll be able to repeat that 5K in my own neighborhood with no one running next to me and no race to participate in. So I’ll go back to C25K and keep slowly working up my time. I might start working some intervals back in as well, trying to increase my speed just a wee bit.

And I’ve already selected my next 5K – the Fright Night 5K in October. Nothing like running through a haunted graveyard and woods at night to keep you moving! 

Believe me, folks – if I can do this, you can, too. I used to be the lump on the couch, the woman circling the parking lot for 10 minutes to get the slightly closer parking spot. It’s not easy, but it is possible.

Filed Under: c25k, running, success Tagged With: ,