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Apr 30, 2012

Personal Check-In (In Case You Wanted To Know)

April 30, 2012 By

What I’ve been watching lately:

Once Upon A Time – Fantastic fairy tale drama. If you haven’t seen it yet, wait for a marathon on ABC and get it all at once, so you don’t have to suffer a week between episodes like me.

Sherlock – If you haven’t seen this BBC show yet, fire up Netflix and watch the first season. I’ve already watched both the first and second seasons and I’m now re-watching the first season. Ladies, I guarantee you’ll start out thinking the guy who plays Sherlock is kinda funny looking, but by the end of it you’ll think he’s downright sexy in his own way.

Political ads – I’m not at all happy about this. There are months left until elections, and I’m ready to petition to move it up sooner to get rid of the ads. My Tivo is on overdrive right now – I’ll even sit in silence for 30 minutes to wait for a program to record so I can then skip past the commercials.

What I’ve been listening to lately:

Gotye’s “Somebody That I Used To Know” – is anyone else as obsessed with this song as I am? I now have three different versions of it on my playlist. Including this amazing adaptation (thanks for pointing them out, Erin!):

Nicki Minaj’s “Starships” – total guilty pleasure here. I don’t want to admit I like her at all, but this song makes me want to dance and feel happy.

Way too much whining from my two kids – they sometimes make going out to do anything fun a real drag. We went to a Viking Festival yesterday, expecting to have fun. They saw the bounce house and could do nothing but sulk and whine about it, keeping us from enjoying everything else. When they finally started to behave better and earned a turn in the bounce house, they immediately began whining and begging for ice cream. So we left. The end. Moral of the story? Find a babysitter more often.

Construction noise – I’m so thankful that I’m no longer working night shift, because if so this little blog would suddenly have posts in all caps with no punctuation and probably no real words. The community directly behind us has started work on leveling the land for a huge apartment development. They were supposed to be single family condo homes, but thanks to the market and a paid-off city council (it’s apparently legal to promise the council money towards a park and new bridge that the city can’t pay for in exchange for a yes vote) they’re now building giant apartment buildings on the other side of my backyard. It’s loud. Very loud. And only beginning, guaranteeing no chance of moving from our house for at least, well, forever.

What I’ve been feeling lately:

Sick – I started last week with a UTI, forcing a quick trip to urgent care and now a strong regimen of antibiotics, and then ended the week with a cold, courtesy of Mira. I’ve been foggy headed and drugged up for the past seven days, making me very unhappy and not that pleasant to be around. I hope two illnesses in one week buys me at least a few weeks of health.

Nostalgic – Mira has suddenly found her singing voice, and just like her speaking voice, chooses to use it nonstop. However, I can’t bring myself to ask her to stop after countless repetitions of “You Are My Sunshine” because it’s adorable. She sings from the heart, reminding me of how fearless I was in showing off my talents as a kid, too. I’d put together elaborate song and dance routines and force my family to watch. Mira knows she’s awesome and doesn’t hesitate to shout it to the world. When did I lose that fearlessness?

Unsettled – This sounds negative, but it really isn’t. It’s the feeling I get when I’m suddenly possessed with the urge to do something new. Something creative. It’s building, but the spark hasn’t hit yet, so I’m left waiting for the feeling to reach the peak and find out what direction it will go. Maybe I’ll get back to sewing again, maybe the writing bug will hit in full force, maybe it’ll be something entirely new. I don’t like this nagging feeling of something being wrong, but I know that once it finally resolves, something fantastic will hopefully come out of it.

What I’ve been eating lately:

Baby carrots – I didn’t realize that when you buy a giant pack of baby carrots for your kids from Costco, there’s a 75% chance that your kids will suddenly no longer like baby carrots. So the dog and I are doing our part to not let them go to waste, which means a side of baby carrots with nearly every meal.

Yoplait Greek cherry pomegranate yogurt – I generally dislike yogurt. But I know it’s good for me (especially when taking antibiotics), so I’m often searching for a yogurt I can tolerate. This one? Delicious.

Girl Scout cookies – I’m listing this only as proof of my self-control. These cookies were purchased over two months ago, and they’re still in the house. I eat them slowly, taking only one “serving” at a time. I’d like to think there’s some kind of badge for that accomplishment.

What’s been on my mind lately:

Costuming – Thank you for your comments on my post about my husband’s costuming. I’ve been considering all of the advice you provided and I think the answer is I will join him in the hobby. Although I don’t plan to go headfirst down that rabbit hole – more like send a flare down the hole to scout for depth and then rappel down slowly. Not sure what costume I’ll do first, or how soon it’ll be done.

Party planning – Mira begged for a big birthday party this year. We normally never invite anyone except close friends and family, but she wanted to invite her class. She’s been to half a dozen birthday parties for those kids, so we agreed and she’ll now be having a big party with kids I barely know. We were smart and decided to not host it at home, but that still means getting invites together for over 20 kids and planning out the logistics of this party.

Budgeting – A smaller income equals a tighter budget. Suddenly I’m back to reading frugal blogs and clipping coupons each week as our checking account drops dangerously low. Although honestly, I don’t mind it that much. Sure, I’d love to go buy something without any concern for cost, but the trade off is that Aaron and I are both currently working in jobs we love, so I’m willing to set aside some of my wants for happiness. Besides, that stuff would probably just create more clutter to stress me out anyway.

What I’ve been wanting to do lately:

Home improvement – I may not be handy, but that doesn’t mean I’m not dreaming of new flower beds in front of the house and a kitchen island and new paint throughout the house.

Get my hair cut – Why do I wait so long for the most basic things? Every day I look in the mirror and see my hair reaching scraggly lengths, yet I still can’t find time for a simple cut? Must stop ignoring my own needs and make an appointment soon.

Laugh more – ’nuff said.

—
And that, friends, is how you write a blog post when you can’t keep two connected sentences together in your head at the moment.

Filed Under: me me me, random


Apr 27, 2012

Slim-Fast Update – It’s Nearly the End!

April 27, 2012 By

OK, first off: thank you. I wasn’t looking for compliments when I wrote my last post, but I truly appreciated all of the kind comments on here and on Facebook and Twitter.

I still re-read that post and mostly agree with it. The self-perception goggles we wear when we look in the mirror can be our worst enemies sometimes. I wish I could still be five years old, wearing a mis-matched outfit, messy hair, scrape on my arm and dirt on my face and think I am fabulous! Instead, I have to setting for constantly reminding myself that no, my own perception is skewed and no matter how bad I think I look, it probably isn’t that bad.

Ah well, work in progress, I guess. And I’ll keep working on it.

Anyway, I’m coming up on the end of my four months serving as a Women of Wow Ambassador for Slim-Fast. I can’t believe it’s gone by so quickly! When I first started, I wondered if I could keep up with using the Slim-Fast products without getting bored. But now that I’m over three months in, I now wonder why I ever worried? This is about as easy as it can get!

I still start nearly every morning with a Slim-Fast shake, either French Vanilla or my favorite, Rich Chocolate Royale. Mornings are chaotic around here, and I simply don’t have time to make myself breakfast while I’m getting the kids ready for school, packing their lunches, and starting my work day.

The shake is a perfect solution: it’s quick, tasty and filling. I can drink it while checking my email, or if I’m having a particularly rough morning, I can drink it in the car while taking Mira to preschool. The protein and fiber keep me feeling full for most of the morning – some days I don’t even notice I’m hungry until lunchtime, skipping a morning snack entirely. As someone who used to skip breakfast routinely (or eat something very unhealthy), a quick shake is the perfect solution and keeps me from reaching a ravenous state of hangry (you know, angry from being so hungry) by late morning.

I alternate Slim-Fast snack bars with other 100-calorie snacks now. It’s been great to discover that I can still snack without blowing my plan for the day. I always keep a Slim-Fast snack bar in my purse for when hunger hits when I’m not at home. At home, though, I’ll also include a small Greek yogurt, or baby carrots and a cheese stick, or a 100-calorie pack of almonds in my snack rotation.

The results of the past three months have been great, though: I’m down six pounds, which doesn’t sound like a lot, but I’ve also lost an inch from my waist and an inch and a half from my hips. I feel healthier, I look better, and I’ve done it all without starving myself or putting myself through any kind of torture. That’s the right way to lose weight!

I’m four lousy pounds away from reaching my goal. FOUR POUNDS. It’s gonna happen this year for sure, and I’m certain it’s going to happen before my birthday in June, just like I said it would.

My plan for the next month is to get back to my couch to 5K plan (which derailed during spring break) and fit in more boot camp classes to build more muscle. There’s a 5K at the end of May that I’m planning to enter, and I’d prefer to run more than walk it.

I’m planning for a GREAT summer!

Full disclosure: This post was created in connection with my appointment as an Ambassador in the Slim-Fast Women of WOW! Program. Visit www.facebook.com/slimfast to join the conversation.

Filed Under: sponsored, success Tagged With: ,


Apr 24, 2012

Adventures in Gardening

April 24, 2012 By

Three weeks ago, my friend Judith offered me a few seedlings from her vast garden beginnings. She has the touch with green things that I could only dream of having. She offered me several varieties, but I only took a small collection of cilantro, cucumbers, and peppers.

Oh, I wanted more – I have grand dreams of a big garden, providing my family with fresh vegetables, all grown by me. I did it one year, and while the yield was disappointing and I did kill, well…many of the plants, I felt like I learned a lot from the experience and knew I could probably do a lot better the next time.

But I also know that I can’t even keep my grass growing.

Still, trying again seemed like a good idea. So I brought home the little cups of seedlings, planning to give them all the love I could until any threat of frost had passed and they were ready to be placed in a well-tended bed of fresh soil and fertilizer.

It was warm that first week, so I set them outside during the day, placing them on our patio table to soak up some sunlight.

Mistake #1: I didn’t plan for him.

who, me?

Cosmo, the dog who never climbs or jumps, apparently has quite a taste for herbs and veggies and can use magic to extend his reach to the patio table. On day one, I glanced out the back door and saw him chomping down on a plastic cup. I raced outside to take it away from him, but it was too late – he’d already eaten the tiny sweet pepper plant entirely.

I moved the cups closer to the center of the patio table, far away from his reach. Later that day, after letting him out in the backyard again, I walked past the door and saw him with another cup between his paws. This plant had not been fully eaten, but sadly it’s injuries were more than it could handle and it passed away two days later.

Realizing I had a cow for a dog, I brought the others back inside and placed them on a table next to the kitchen window. I blamed Cosmo for the two early deaths, but I was committed to saving the others. It can’t be that hard to keep plants alive, right?

Mistake #2: turns out, watering a plant is harder than it looks.

Too little OR too much water will kill plants. They’re like Goldilocks – everything has to be just right. The cucumbers quickly gave up and opted for a quick reincarnation in some better person’s garden. One cilantro plant also curled up and died.

However, despite all that, I STILL have three cilantro plants and one sweet pepper seedling that made it through the early days. And on Sunday they were given their reward: they were moved to a planter.

moving day

I even gave them potting soil that states it helps prevent damage from under- or over-watering. It’s like the soil people knew I wanted to garden again this year. I’m still waiting on the Plants for Dummies line of gardening products. (Dummies brand, feel free to use me as your spokesperson. Or at least give me credit for the idea.)

The larger garden may still happen this summer, although I’ll likely have to build fencing around it until we can train the dog to not eat the garden. But for now my four little survivors are hanging out in a single planter that will remain in our front yard, safe from Cosmo the bovine-canine. Now they only have to endure me.

I never would have guessed that raising plants is harder than raising children. It’s a good thing my kids weren’t born green.

Filed Under: daily life, domestic zero, me me me


Apr 20, 2012

Geeky Pursuits

April 20, 2012 By

It’s no secret that we’re a family of geeks. Aaron and I met many years ago when performing at the Ohio Renaissance Festival. At our wedding, the music we used for the entrance to our reception was the Throne Room music from Star Wars. Aaron still reads comics. A lot. We love Doctor Who and several other sci-fi dramas. Our daughters have dressed up as superheroes more than once and can recognize many of the great figures in nerddom.

You get the point.

Lately, my darling husband has developed a new hobby: superhero costuming. As in, he is making costumes so he can dress up like superheroes at sci-fi or comic conventions. 

 this is him as Spiderman
featured on MTV’s website from C2E2 this past weekend (he’s the Batman on the left)
posing with a kid as Superman

I said we were a geeky family, folks. You’re suddenly viewing us in a WHOLE new light now, aren’t you?

When I say hobby, what I really mean is obsession. For the past six months, this subject has consumed him more than any other. He’s spent much of his free time on costuming websites, message boards, and now Facebook groups. His Facebook friends have grown dramatically, and suddenly his friends list contains more strangers to me than people I know. He’s even working to form a local chapter of a non-profit group that sends out members dressed as superheros to visit sick kids in hospitals, participate in charity events, etc.

There are some upsides. His costumes look very good, and it’s motivated him to work out more to look good in them, too. Spandex is unforgiving. He gets lots of praise and attention for the costumes, which I’m sure is a self-esteem boost. Choosing to do charity events to bring a smile to sick kids makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside and love him even more for his generous heart.

So what in the world am I getting at in this post?

As geeky as we are as a family, this costuming thing is driving me nuts.

I fully supported him when he started it. He’s always been a comic fan, so it was a natural extension of his interests. But as it developed into an obsession, well, I’ve felt left behind. As he sits on the couch each night, his eyes are glued to message board and his costuming Facebook groups. His Facebook page is almost entirely about costuming now.

When he’s working on a new costume, he’s consumed with wanting to get it done and anything that gets in the way leaves him grumpy and irritable. And then there are the women who are really into costuming, too, who get a little too touchy, close or clingy with him at conventions. I try not to get jealous, however I’d be lying if I didn’t admit it puts a stress on our relationship.

But there’s also this: he wants me to join in and dress up with him.

Many years ago, I used to design and make costumes. I used much of my graduation money from college to purchase a very fancy computerized sewing machine that can do everything except make you coffee and sew the damn thing for you. I made renaissance costumes for friends and for myself. I was good enough that people even bough some from me. At one time I was working on a Master’s degree in costume design.

(Another surprise for you? Yeah, this onion has LOTS of layers. It’s like you never knew me, right? And hey, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up!)

After having kids, though, sewing dropped off the radar. It was a hobby I no longer had time for and since we no longer performed at the renaissance festival, there wasn’t a need to make new costumes. Work and a screaming, colicky baby who turned into a grumpy, tantrum-prone toddler kept me away from scissors, needles and thread. Probably good to keep me away from pointy things, considering my mood at the time.

I haven’t used that fancy sewing machine in six years. So when Aaron asked me to help in making his costumes, I resisted due to forgetting many skills. Also: I’m busy. Work, kids, getting this house decluttered – when do I have time for sewing?

But asking me to dress up, too? I’m just not sure what to do. I know he really, really wants me to do it. He thinks it would be a fun hobby to do together (he’d love to get the kids dressed up, too) and continually suggests characters I could become. He’s even enlisted the help of his Facebook friends to brainstorm ideas for me of characters I’ve never even heard of.

I feel pressured, though. I’m not nearly as into this idea as him, and I’m already annoyed at how much time (and money) he sinks into it. As it is, we have so many other things that need to get done first that I don’t have time to think about hobbies. And I don’t want to spend all of my free time going to conventions in costumes – I want us to do a lot of different activities as a family. Maybe even see the sunshine once in awhile. I also am a little more shy and don’t necessarily like everyone looking at me.

We’ve discussed the issue already, and Aaron concedes he’s been a little obsessed and needs to cut back on his hobby. It can’t take up all of his spare time, and beyond hobbies there are still a lot more responsibilities we need to devote more time to as well. He’s agreed to cut back and try to give more focus to the home and other family activities.

But he’d still like me to join him when he does dress up. I don’t know what to do at this point. My irrational mind worries that if I don’t meet him halfway and participate that he’ll continue down that path without me and eventually we’ll be two people with drastically different interests who have nothing in common. (Can I follow an idea to the dramatic, extreme end or what?)

I’m not against the idea…I’m just not excited about it, probably because I already resent how much time and energy this hobby has absorbed. I’m not going to ask him to stop entirely, either – that’s just silly, and I do support the charity work he wants to do with it. There just needs to be balance. And boundaries.

I don’t know if participating only to support my husband and his interests would possibly lead to having a lot of fun in the process, or if my lack of passion would only make me resent it?

They don’t cover these kinds of issues in the imaginary marriage handbook. If your spouse has a hobby he’s passionate about and wants you to get involved so you can share it together, do you go along with it even if you’re not as interested? What do you think?

Filed Under: Aaron, clearly insane, daily life, more than parents, pop culture, TMI


Apr 17, 2012

Perception vs Reality

April 17, 2012 By

(Note: this post includes photos of me in a sports bra.  Just giving fair warning.)

Last week, while at dinner with extended family, one family member who hadn’t seen me in awhile remarked on how good I looked. Well, specifically she said, “Are you still trying to lose weight? You need to stop that, you don’t need to lose any more weight.” (Jewish grandmothers for the win.)

At first I convinced myself that she was just trying to be nice, but I also know her well enough to understand that she rarely hides what she’s really thinking. Beyond the Jewish grandmother desire to make sure kids and grandkids (and in my case, the wife of a step-grandson) are eating well, she really thought I looked good and didn’t need to lose any more weight.

Of course, I immediately wrote off her comments in my head and told myself, it’s just the outfit making me look slimmer, ’cause there’s NO WAY I look like someone who doesn’t need to lose weight. I’m still overweight, I’m still huge!

And then the logical part of my brain gave me a swift kick and said I needed a perception check.

It’s no wonder that some people who lose a large amount of weight have trouble with body image. I was obese for so long that when I look in the mirror I still see myself at my largest. I occasionally notice some positive changes, but much of the time I still see myself as large.

Before I started actively trying to lose weight, I looked like this:

Not sure of the weight, but it wasn’t my highest. Few photos exist of my highest weight.

This was me when I started blogging about my weight loss efforts:

I was 212 lbs here.

And this was me this weekend:

This is 163 lbs.

Yes, obviously there are some differences, but when I look at the two photos I don’t see much of a difference. I stare at the new photo and have trouble looking beyond the continuation of flaws. Some parts may be smaller, but they’re still large.

Losing weight is hard enough, but the mental game that goes with it makes it even more difficult. I don’t want to think of myself as fat. I’d rather be proud of all I’ve accomplished. But instead the little voice in my head looks at photos and whispers So much for all that work – you don’t look any different. Your belly still hangs over your waistband, your thighs still rub together, your hips are huge. Why keep going through all that pain?

I hate that little voice. I hate how it tears me down and makes me doubt everything. It strips me of any self-esteem. I wear a medium shirt size now, and still find myself baffled every time I put one on. Why is this fitting me? Are they vanity sizing shirts now? I can’t even believe that this body could possibly wear a medium, when I’m sure I’m still an XL.

I’m five pounds from the goal I set for myself years ago, and now I’m already doubting that it will be enough. How much more will I need to lose to feel fit and healthy? Will I set a new goal and then continue to feel fat if I reach that new goal? I worry that I may never be happy with my weight, but have no idea how to find that happiness.

This post is full of questions with few answers. I know it’s my own mind blocking me from seeing the changes to myself, but I don’t know how to change that. There are diets and exercises to change the body, but now I need to find the right program to change the mind. Otherwise any transformation I make will never be complete, because while I may eventually be seen as fit by those looking from the outside, I will still be fat when looking from the inside.

I never intended this post to be such a downer. It’s a shame that so often we condition ourselves to see only the fat, the wrinkles, the imperfections in ourselves. Photoshop and the worship of the impossibly “perfect” (and too-thin) body probably doesn’t help with this. The media promotes the impossible body, and we are constantly bombarded with the message that the polished, re-touched images we see are what we should strive to be, while advertisers also encourage us to eat high-calorie junk food with abandon.

There are women out there doing fantastic work in the area of body acceptance, and I probably should be paying more attention to them. This isn’t how I feel all the time – just some of the time. I considered not posting this at all, but I also want to be completely honest. Not discussing the mental battle would give only a partial image of what it’s like to lose weight, and I know I’m not the only one who has looked in the mirror and felt like I’ve accomplished so little.

So yeah, here I am. I feel fat. And I know I shouldn’t.

My brain needs new glasses, because the current ones are out of focus.

Filed Under: photographic evidence Tagged With: ,