Yesterday I read a post by Liz at Mom101 that made me think back to the early days of when Mira was a newborn and Cordy was a wild, intense, temperamental 2.75 year old. Those first weeks were a complete blur of emotion and sleeplessness for me as I tried to adjust to meeting the needs of a new little person and her big sister, who was needy in different ways.
The thing that broke my heart when Mira was little was Cordy’s complete lack of acknowledgment of her new sister. It was like Mira didn’t exist to her. Of course, this was also pre-evaluation when Cordy didn’t notice other kids most of the time either. I would sit on the couch, holding Mira and asking Cordy to come say hi to her new sister, only to have Cordy come say hi to me, not understanding this little wrapped up bundle in my arms was another human being.
Completely unaware of the other human being right next to her
It took months for Cordy to notice Mira, and all progress was tied directly to her progress in therapy in her preschool. As she ventured out of her internal world, the external world came into focus, and with that world her little sister, who desperately wanted the attention of this big kid in her space.
I remember when Cordy would run laps in the living room while Mira was in her exersaucer – as Cordy would come closer, Mira’s face would brighten with a smile and her arms would wave wildly to get Cordy’s attention. As Cordy ran past, Mira’s smile would fade to a slightly confused, slightly down expression, realizing she hadn’t been noticed. Repeat x 100.
I would cry at night, thinking this distance between my two girls would be permanent and Cordy’s emotional distance would prevent them from ever being close.
If we don’t make eye contact, she doesn’t exist.
Ever so slowly, though, Cordy recognized Mira. She would hear Mira cry and say, “Mira’s hungry!” Or hold Mira’s hands and move her arms back and forth like she was a toy. I then caught her hugging Mira once. Then instead of eating Mira’s snacks, she would feed one to Mira. For her part, Mira never gave up on Cordy, always initiating contact with the older girl who seemed unreachable at times.
But now. I can only say we’ve come a long, long way. Cordy still doesn’t always understand that Mira has feelings too, but she recognizes Mira as her little sister and as a fellow person. I’ll credit part of that to Cordy’s therapy, part of it to typical kid behaviors and maturation, and part of it to Mira’s insistence that Cordy WILL pay attention to her, dammit, even if she has to sit on her. They occasionally play together, and even if it is (usually) too rough, they both giggle until someone inevitably cries, and then they go back to wrestling and giggling again.
They are now sisters.
