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Feb 13, 2013

Nightmares Feeding On Mom Anxiety

February 13, 2013 By

Do you ever have those dreams that are so real that you wake up startled, disoriented, and trying to determine if it actually happened or if now, awake in your bed, is the true reality?

Now what about nightmares?

My sleep was disturbingly interrupted by one of those nightmares this morning. This one was worse than many because it didn’t involve any danger to me, but instead to one of my children. And unlike other bad dreams where I can wake and realize any danger was highly unlikely and improbable, this one involved a very real scenario that left me shaken and unable to go back to sleep.

In my nightmare, Mira died. It was a very life-like situation: she wasn’t with us (I can’t remember if she was at school or with family) and she choked on a bit of hot dog. The horrific scene played out where we received the news, and then planned her funeral. I remember sobbing that I’d never hug her again or see that impish smile. I tortured myself with “what if?” – what if she had been with me that day, what if she had only picked a different food or someone had cut up the hot dog better for her, or what if I had never encouraged her to like hot dogs? I remember walking into her room and seeing her favorite stuffed animals on the bed, and I was overcome with grief.

And then I woke up.

Terrifying, right? It took me several minutes to calm my breathing, wipe the tears out of my eyes and realize I could hear Mira arguing with her sister downstairs, perfectly healthy, perfectly alive. My mind was still on fire with the false memories from the dream, trying to push them aside and write them off as fears conjured into a hellish scenario for my brain to process.

The half hour remaining before my alarm went off was useless. I tried to go back to sleep, in the hope that more sleep would erase the lingering images from my mind, but the danger had been laid out for me and I couldn’t stop thinking about what I needed to do to prevent this from becoming a reality. After all, I had just bought hot dogs for Mira at the grocery last week after she asked for them – was this some warning, or just my mind arranging a random collection of thoughts and memories then taken to the extreme end?

I do occasionally worry about Mira choking. The kid is a talker – an excessive talker – and that includes while she’s eating. I’m often reminding her to chew and swallow, then talk. How easy would it be for her to accidentally inhale a piece of food?

And the concept of choking is one I’m personally familiar with. When I was five or six, my babysitter had given me some of the candy orange slices as a treat. (You know, the thick, sugared gummy-jelly wedges?) I was so happy to get them that I inhaled them. Literally.

I ate the first two without any trouble as I looked out the back door, trying to finish them so I could go out to play, but when I popped the third one into my mouth, it accidentally slid too far back and got stuck. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t yell for help. I remember the confusion and then the panic as I tried to cough or swallow to dislodge the candy. My babysitter was two rooms away and I didn’t think I could make it to her.

I walked from the kitchen to the living room, starting to hit myself in the chest, begging my lungs to work as I became light-headed. I remember stumbling over the rug (her rug had tripped me on many better days as well) and landing with my chest on the arm of the couch. And that did it – the candy popped up enough for me to cough it out. My throat burned as I gasped for air.

My experience could have ended far worse, and to this day I still won’t go near orange slices candy. I know Mira has trouble focusing on any single task, so I guess it’s only natural that I’d have a nightmare about her choking.

The hard part now is getting the nightmare out of my mind. As parents, we only have so much control over our children and we can’t guarantee their safety 100% of the time. Letting a child out of your site, even for a moment, is trusting that you’ve surrounded your child with the safest possible world and the best teaching, and that they’ll remember what you’ve taught them.

But there is no absolute safety. There are always risk, accidents you have no control over, and dwelling on all of the what if’s will only zap all of the joy out of being a parent.

When I came downstairs this morning, I sat on the couch next to Mira and she immediately threw her arms around me and said “I love you, mommy.” I pulled her close to me as she nuzzled her face into my neck, and hugged her tight.

That was my restart for the day. Instead of thinking about possible danger, I’m choosing to focus on the great moments I have with my kids. Because if something bad should ever happen to any of us, I want to know that our days were filled with love and happiness.

If anything, the nightmare was a good reminder to notice the little moments of joy in each day.

This kid cracks me up.
Filed Under: being a mom, family time, love, memories, Mira


Feb 4, 2013

The Invisible Dad At Costco

February 4, 2013 By

It was just last year that my family discovered the wonders of Costco, and we’ve been hooked ever since. The brands you can’t get anywhere else, the deals on clothing and basic pantry staples, and of course the samples! You can easily have yourself a mini-lunch by wandering the aisles and trying all of the samples on a weekend.

Usually I’m the one who does the Costco shopping, but yesterday Aaron went to Costco with Cordy while I ran other errands with Mira. Costco’s samples work magic on Cordy – the kid who is always scared to try new things is somehow more likely to try a new food with a grandmotherly figure offering it to her in a warehouse store. I can’t explain it.

But when Aaron got home, he was a little annoyed at the trip. They tried lots of samples, but he ran into a slight obstacle. At nearly every sample station, the workers (who Aaron has now dubbed the little old lady mafia) looked at Cordy and asked, “Where’s your mom? You can have one if she says it’s OK.”

Now, I know it’s always Costco policy that a parent must be present for a kid to get a sample. That’s a perfectly safe practice to make sure a child isn’t eating something they’re not allowed to have, or could have an allergy to. I support that policy entirely.

The first time someone said that to Cordy, Aaron was further down the aisle, so it was very possible that she didn’t notice that Cordy’s dad was trying to catch up to her and nodding that it was OK.

However, Aaron said that every other time he was standing right next to her – close enough to indicate they were shopping together – when she was asked where her mom was or told she’d need to ask her mom before she could have one.

And it was never “You’ll need to ask your mom or dad.” Dad was completely left out of the statement and apparently ignored even when he was standing with the cart right next to Cordy. He felt invisible to them, at least when it came to being recognized as a parent. I’m certain Cordy would have been talking to Aaron and probably tugging on his arm to ask if she could have a sample, so it’s puzzling how that connection would have been missed. Multiple times, too.

I’ll admit, I found his tale a little funny, but I can see how Aaron felt like his role of dad wasn’t as important to the sample handlers. Getting mom’s approval for Cordy to have a sample seems a little extreme when dad is right there and telling her she can have one. It’s certainly not a situation requiring a call for my blessing.

We still love Costco, but I hope in the future they’ll be more sensitive to dads in their training. It’s not a great amount of effort to say “If your mom or dad says it’s OK.” In 2013, moms aren’t the only ones doing the shopping, and we’re not the only ones taking the kids with us to shop. Aaron is just as capable of giving permission for Cordy as I am.

This is, of course, a lighthearted example for equal rights (Aaron was bothered by it, but not utterly offended), but the lesson still holds true. We’ve fought hard to gain more acceptance for women in the business arena, and I think it’s only fair to give equal acceptance to men in the domestic arena.

Filed Under: Aaron, daily life


Jan 29, 2013

Twice Execeptional: Twice the Fun, Twice the Challenge

January 29, 2013 By

I generally get nervous when I see the elementary school’s phone number appear on our caller ID. In the past two years, I’m pretty sure they’ve only called with something positive once or twice. Generally the call is either from the school nurse, letting me know one of my children displayed her superhuman ability to be clumsy and injured herself, or Cordy’s teacher letting me know about some incident where she got in trouble or had a panic attack.

So when I received a phone call from the school recently, I didn’t answer it because I was already on the phone trying to make an appointment for Cordy with an occupational therapist. After the trouble she had earlier this school year with her anxiety at school, we set up an appointment with her pediatrician to discuss what to do. He recommended an OT he knows to help Cordy get through her anxiety. We agreed we don’t want to consider medication yet, so this is our first step towards helping her cope with her constant anxious state.

The school left a message, so I knew it had to be something important, but at least a voicemail gave me time to react and process whatever they said before I had to call them back. I played the message, and it was from the school psychologist.

He mentioned that Cordy had been doing some testing with him as part of her three-year evaluation (all kids with special needs services are evaluated every three years to make sure they still qualify) and he wanted me to call him back to set up a time to go over all of the cognitive testing he did with her. He also mentioned what an interesting and delightful child she was, so I at least knew the testing couldn’t have been a complete disaster.

I didn’t know that he had been testing Cordy. Two weeks before that, a woman from the gifted and talented department came to the school to evaluate Cordy, and days before the psychologist called we had received her results. Cordy had an impressive score on a cognitive abilities test, earning her the label “superior cognitive” on her school record. It’ll help provide more gifted ed services for her, and I was proud of the score, but it was only one test and she had a particularly good day that day.

I wondered if the psychologist’s evaluation would match up with her recent testing? We didn’t know he was testing her, so we had no way to prep her like we did for the gifted ed department’s testing.

There was no hesitation in calling him back. As soon as I said my name, the school secretary knew why I was calling and transferred me to the school psychologist. He was only supposed to set up a time to go over the results in person, but he was bursting with excitement to give me the highlights of what happened from testing her that morning.

The good news: she still qualifies for special needs services. She meets the criteria for autism (no surprise there), although he said the only presenting issues at the moment are her anxiety and her deficit in social skills. Again, no surprise.

But then came the even better news. He used multiple testing methods for her, and said she’s one of the smartest eight year olds he’s ever seen. Her IQ testing resulted in a 139, with a verbal score of 143. On one verbal abilities test, she had a perfect score. I was stunned into silence as he explained that he’s been working in elementary schools for eleven years and Cordy had the highest scores he’s ever seen.

One example he gave was in analogies: he said to her “flour is to bread like…” and she answered back with “like hydrogen is to water!” Her science vocabulary was especially impressive. (Thanks to Netflix and the full series of the quirky Beakman’s World on instant streaming – our #1 source for science lessons!)

We met yesterday and went over the full results. I’m so proud of Cordelia. He said she was enthusiastic about the testing, as if she really liked the challenge to prove what she knows, and was incredibly sweet and charming. He also started the thought in my mind that the public school may not have enough resources to fully provide for her education at the level she’s at. We’ll need to consider supplemental resources to keep her engaged and wanting to learn.

I’m trying not to brag, but it’s so fantastic for a parent to get good news about their child. And honestly, the confirmation of her cognitive skills creates several issues for me. We always knew Cordy was bright, but to get confirmation that she’s highly gifted means I need to pay closer attention to making sure she’s challenged and getting material at her level. At the same time, her anxiety really needs attention now, since it tends to flare up when she feels something is too hard. It’s a delicate balance.

Technically this makes Cordy “twice-exceptional” (also called “2e”), meaning she’s both gifted and special needs. I have a child who still can’t wear jeans because she can’t reliably work a button but can explain the meaning of the word dehydration. I found this chart on the wiki page for twice exceptional, and aside from a couple of items, it’s an eerily accurate description of my daughter.

Stubborn? Imaginative? Sensitive? Yes. Perhaps not the sophisticated sense of humor…

So now that I’m armed with this knowledge…I have no idea what to do next. She’s doing well in school, but nothing particularly outstanding. I know she’s bored on some level, but also resistant to being pushed to learn new things faster. We’re moving forward with occupational therapy in the hopes it can help her developing coping mechanisms to deal with anxiety.

She’ll be eligible for the school’s gifted classroom in fourth and fifth grades, and will continue to have limited gifted instruction until then. We can’t really consider the possibility of private school because they’re just too expensive around here. There is financial aid, but we’re in that boggy middle ground where we make too much to qualify for aid, but would be on a ramen noodle budget to pay for private school.

I’m sure there have to be resources out there for twice exceptional kids, possibly even in our community. It may be time to spend a day with Google to see what’s out there, either in enrichment activities or parent groups or any other kind of support. I was a gifted student myself, so I have some idea of how to help Cordy with that. It’s incorporating it with the autism that makes it a little harder.

All of this, of course, is nothing more than labels and changes nothing about the cheerful, quirky, loveable little girl we have. But those labels do give us more insight into why she does what she does, and can help provide the justification for arranging educational experiences that will provide the most benefit for her.

Gifted or not, autism or not, she’s still our Cordy, and we have the responsibility to do what’s best for her (and Mira), just as any parent does. But hopefully we have a better map to guide us towards what she needs going forward.

I love that kid and her sister so much. They’re exceptionally sweet and quirky, and I wouldn’t have them any other way.

Filed Under: Autism, Cordy, school, shameless bragging


Jan 24, 2013

How Many Steps Do You Take Each Day? (FitBit Zip Review)

January 24, 2013 By

Now that the holidays are long over and we start edging ever closer to longer, warmer days (although you wouldn’t know that at the moment), my mind has already clicked over into shaking off the holiday hibernation and getting back into shape. Every year I give myself time off from calorie counting and workouts between Thanksgiving and the new year. It’s a time of food, family gatherings and holiday parties, and I enjoy the time a lot more if I’m not thinking about my weight.

But now. Now it’s time to get back on track. I willingly accept a little weight gain during the holidays, but apparently my new-found love of Nutella added a little more than I had planned. The scale was a bit of a shock.

I’m back to carefully tracking my food intake again, but getting started with exercising at the beginning of the year seemed more difficult than usual. I have a treadmill and know I don’t need to necessarily run – even walking would be better than nothing. The key is always motivation – how do I make it fun?

I’ve been eying the FitBit Zip for several months, and recently was offered the opportunity to give it a try from Best Buy. I’m a gadget person, so any new gadget that can get me excited about exercising and learning more about my habits is perfect for me.

If you haven’t heard of it, the FitBit Zip is like a pedometer on steroids – in function, not size. Not only does it track every step you take (along with estimated distance and calories burned during the day), but it wirelessly transmits the data to your FitBit dashboard so you can compare your current data to any goals you’ve set for yourself.

The medical community recommends that most people walk 10,000 steps each day for optimal health. (Obviously check with your doctor first to make sure you’re healthy enough for exercise.) Before I received the FitBit, I tried to estimate how many steps I took in an average day. I figured I probably walked 5-6,000 a day on non-active days, but wasn’t really sure. I knew it needed to be more, but still thought I was semi-active in my daily life.

Setting up the FitBit was a breeze, which was good because I was in a hurry to try it out. Once it was ready to go, I clipped it onto the waist of my pants and took a walk around my house, then after a few minutes ran back to the computer to sync the device and see how many steps I’d taken. (Oh c’mon, you know you’d do it, too.) It registered 58 steps on my online Dashboard, a tiny amount compared to the recommended steps per day, but proof it was working like it should.

The clip on the FitBit is very secure, even for such a small device. I worried at first that it might come unclipped from my waistband or pocket, but it’s a strong grip. Women can also wear it clipped to our bras, which I often prefer because it’s completely hidden and it adds that extra security from losing it that someone as clumsy as me worries about.

Your stats can be checked by tapping on the FitBit Zip. It’ll display the current time, the number of steps you’ve taken, the estimated distance you’ve traveled for the day (based on average stride length for your height) and average calories burned for the day. It’ll also show a little face with an expression that changes based on how well you’re doing for the day. Mine is usually sticking it’s tongue out at me.

Note: If you wear your FitBit Zip strapped to your bra, you can’t check your stats for the day from the FitBit as easily. Reaching down your shirt to unclip it and check your steps might be a little awkward in public. Be aware of that when choosing where to clip it.

Since I’m rarely away from my computer, I can check it on my Dashboard instead. It syncs automatically if the wireless unit is plugged in to your computer, and you can manually sync it if you’re too impatient to wait for the next sync. iPhone 4s and 5 users can also check their stats from the iPhone app. And you can link up with other FitBit users to motivate each other.

So how’s it going, you ask? Well, the FitBit Zip has revealed to me that I’m a lazy slob. OK, not exactly. With my first full day of using it, I made it a point to get out and walk around as much as possible, including walking the dog and taking the kids out for the day. After a full Saturday, I couldn’t wait to see what my results were:

Only 5300 steps? Hmmm…I thought it might be more. Still, that was over halfway to the 10,000 step goal promoted everywhere, so I patted myself on the back for a good start.

However, I soon realized finding a way to get more movement in would be harder than I thought. On work days, my typical day looked a lot more like this:

Ouch. Only a quarter of the recommended steps per day. It’s true I don’t get to move around as much when I’m working at my computer all day, and it’s been a strong reminder to get up and move around more.

Tracking my steps has been an eye-opening experience. Not only has it shown me that I’m not walking enough, but it’s also helping me visualize just how much of a difference 10 minutes can make.

Seeing how low my numbers were, I decided to try walking just 10 minutes on the treadmill at 3.0 mph – which is slow enough for me to check my email and Facebook on my phone while I walked. I looked at my FitBit stats right after that and suddenly I had nearly 1000 steps more just from one 10 minute walk.

Anyone can find 10 minutes in the day, right? (And that’s 10 minutes that don’t even work up a sweat or require another 20 minutes to shower and change clothing!) I’m now squeezing in two 10 minute walks in-between work and kids and everything else in my life, and my stats are starting to look a lot better. I like the instant gratification of seeing my stats right after I make each small effort. It provides a mental reward to encourage me to find new ways to sneak more movement into my day.

I love that the Zip is so small and doesn’t get in my way all day. Clipped to a waistband or my bra, I rarely notice it’s there and it doesn’t show under my clothing.

Size reference: that’s my 95-pound-dog’s paw.

The only downside to the FitBit Zip is – like any other gadget or workout device – you have to use it for it to help you. I take it off at night and put it on my nightstand and then put it right back on in the morning. I’ve only forgotten to put it on once so far.

You still have to do the work – it only holds a mirror up to your activity level for accountability. But if you like seeing numbers and stats about yourself, and you enjoy the challenge of forcing those numbers higher, you’ll love the FitBit Zip. For me, I’ve combined the FitBit with logging all of my foods again, and I’ve already lost four pounds in two and a half weeks.

Big thanks to Best Buy for giving me the chance to try out the FitBit Zip. You can find it in stores in several different colors for $59.99. Mine is the neutral charcoal color, but the magenta one is really cute!

And if you think the FitBit Zip might be right for you, Best Buy provided me with a printable coupon for 20% off of any health & fitness product! (Good through 2/13/13.) If you’re not ready to get moving yet, but want a new juicer or some other small appliance to start new healthy eating habits, I also have a printable coupon for 20% off small kitchen appliances at Best Buy.

If you already use a FitBit, let me know your profile URL and we’ll link up! You can also join in using the #MillionSteps and #BestBuy hashtags on Twitter to find even more people tracking their steps together.

Full disclosure: I was provided with a FitBit Zip by Best Buy for the purposes of this review and no further compensation was received. Screen shots above are from my actual dashboard, all opinions are my own and your results may vary. And yes, I’m aware I’d walk a lot more if I didn’t live in a city that relied on cars so much to get anywhere.

Filed Under: daily life, healthy living, me me me, reviews


Jan 22, 2013

Faking It

January 22, 2013 By

Last summer we signed Mira up for gymnastics after she expressed an interest in finding an activity for herself. Mira had tried ballet before that, but we decided she just wasn’t right for ballet. No matter how hard the instructor tried to calm the kid down, it all moved too slowly for her. We hoped gymnastics, with the ability to jump, tumble, and flip, might be more her style.

One week into it, Cordy decided she wanted to be a part of it, too. We never thought Cordy would like gymnastics, but she really wanted to join in. We signed her up as well in the hopes that she might gain some confidence and improve her coordination.

Since then, Mira continues to love gymnastics and while not even close to the most coordinated kid in her class, she’s making progress. Mira insists she’ll be in the Olympics someday. Considering she’s an entire head taller than every other kid in the class of five year olds and trips over air, I doubt it, but I’m thrilled she has goals and works hard at improving.

Cordy, though, is not making any progress and instead is showing signs of being uninterested. She insists she likes going, but once there she’s usually too distracted by what the other classes are doing and then doesn’t want to try anything new or push herself outside of her comfort zone. Her teacher has been incredibly kind and patient with her, but I can tell even she is getting discouraged with Cordy’s unwillingness to put any confidence in herself.

She enjoys gymnastics and comes out with a smile on her face, but she’s made practically no progress with her skills and is becoming more and more distracted during class. We haven’t told Cordy yet, but this is her last session of gymnastics and we’ll encourage her to try another activity she might like more.

Last week, both girls appeared happy to go to gymnastics. After dinner, they put on their leotards and were all ready to go. Once there, they went to the benches to wait for their class to start, but then Cordy looked around for a minute and then went to the bathroom. Several minutes later, she came out frowning and sat back on the bench, clutching her stomach and looking miserable as she looked at me.

I waved Cordy to come talk to me, and she said she felt sick. I put my hand on her forehead (classic mom first move for a sick kid, right?) and she wasn’t warm. “My stomach really hurts, mom. I feel like I’m going to be sick,” she continued.

“Can you get through gymnastics?” I asked.

She sighed and clutched her stomach again. “I don’t know. I don’t think I can tonight because I don’t feel good.”

Her class was gathering to begin, so I had to make a quick judgement call. She was completely fine before we got there, but this is also my child who is honest to a fault at times. Her fear of missing out on something she’s supposed to do and disappointing a teacher generally pushes her to keep going even when she shouldn’t. Maybe she really was sick?

I texted Aaron, who was on his way from work, and let him know that Cordy was sick and needed to go home as soon as he got there. Cordy then came to sit in the parents’ waiting area with me. She walked there hunched over, looking miserable, but as soon as we reached the bleachers, she perked up as she climbed to the top row.

“Wow, mommy, these are fun! Look how high I can sit!”

I frowned. “I thought you didn’t feel good? Maybe you could join your class if you’re feeling better.”

Her eyes widened, and then her bright mood disappeared again. “Oh! Oh, I really don’t feel good. I just thought these seats were interesting.” She resumed crossing her arms over her stomach again.

Mira and her class were soon in front of us starting their first activities. And within minutes, Cordy was once again distracted. “Look, mommy, there’s Mira! Let’s wave to Mira!”

Again I asked, “Cordy, I thought you were sick?”

“Um, I can still cheer for my sister even when I’m sick, right?”

“Not with that much energy,” I responded.

She continued to go back and forth between looking ill and being distracted by something until Aaron got there. I realized by then that she had faked the whole thing. She wasn’t sick at all, she just didn’t want to do gymnastics that night. It’s the first time Cordy has ever lied about being sick to get out of doing something, and I totally fell for it. What’s worse – she had a good idea that I’d fall for it or she wouldn’t have done it.

In some ways, I’m proud of her for faking it. It’s often believed that kids on the autism spectrum have a hard time with lying, or can’t do it at all. She’s made up creative stories about why something didn’t get done before, or used the convenient “I forgot” excuse a few times (which in her case is often true), but she’s never out-and-out lied about being sick to avoid a task, complete with acting the part. True, she wasn’t very good at continuing the act, but she managed to keep it up long enough to fool me. So really, this is Cordy portraying very typical kid behavior, which is progress for her.

But on the other hand, I don’t want to celebrate a child who lies, either. When Aaron arrived, I specifically mentioned to him that I was certain she was faking it, and so he took her home to finish her homework and go to bed, since sick children don’t get to do anything fun like watch TV. She wasn’t so happy about that part, and I hope that will keep her from trying it again. He told me she seemed totally fine at home, too, further confirming my suspicions that she was never sick to begin with.

Even if she’s losing interest in gymnastics, I’m not letting her quit until this session is over. Both kids were asked if they wanted to sign up for the winter session and both said they wanted to, so I expect her to finish out what she agreed to. After that, Cordy is free to choose another activity to try.

I only hope she won’t try repeating her “sick day” again this week. I don’t like having to play both mom and talent scout to determine if she really is sick or is trying another performance piece in the hopes of winning the award of getting-out-of-work.

Filed Under: Autism, being a mom, Cordy, growing up, kid logic